Mastering Conflict Management

In life, we can be 100% guaranteed to experience certain things – death, taxes… and conflict, in some way or another… You and I cannot avoid death and taxes, but we can definitely do something about conflict. In this article, I would like to share with you my thoughts on how to better manage conflict. I cannot claim these thoughts to be the universal truth, but I will share with you content that I have not sourced from any book, journal article or Blog, but it comes from what I have experienced firsthand and works for me. Therefore, I am calling them “hints” in the hope that they will also assist you in mastering conflict management in a scenario where, hopefully, reasonability and sanity prevail.

“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.”

– Dorothy Thomas

Before I get into the nuts and bolts of this important topic, I would like to make the following statement: “You cannot master conflict management if you are not emotionally intelligent.” Think about it – If you can’t control and manage your own emotions, as well as manage the emotions of others, how will you be able to stay cool, calm and collected in getting the best out of a conflict situation…

Hint #1 – It is not necessarily what you say, but how you say it that counts.

This saying is as old as the hills, yet we fail to apply it successfully. Also, when it comes to conflict management. Choosing our words wisely takes time and practice, but we must be self-aware to gauge people’s responses to how we say things. It is easy to fob someone off with the first thing that comes to mind versus a well-thought-out comment that would lead to constructive conversations. “John, can I maybe share with you something else that I know works?“ has a better ring to it than “John, your idea is stupid.” I suggest you give yourself 3 seconds to choose the correct words, before you make the mistake of responding impulsively…

Hint #2 – Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

When we drive our own agendas we often lose perspective around what is really at stake during conflict. It is only by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, even for a short while, that you get a balanced perspective. A perspective that is fair to you and the other person with whom you are having a disagreement or conflict.  

Hint #3 – Use self-talk productively when managing conflict.

Self-talk is the most powerful form of communication, because it either empowers you or defeats you. We all talk to ourselves, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you do. In fact, if you don’t talk to yourself, something is wrong. In conflict, self-talk is a very powerful tool as part of digging deep to get or keep your words and actions aligned with the best possible outcomes. “I am going to smack this person… No, you are not, because this won’t help the situation. What would, is if I take a deep breath and calm down” as an example of using self-talk productively.   

Hint #4 – When left unresolved, conflict just gets worse…  

We need to understand that we either deal with an issue or, ultimately, the issue will deal with us. Issues, including those where conflict management might be required, don’t magically disappear – we need to intentionally deal with them. I would like to present you with two scenarios in this regard. Scenario 1: An issue transpires, and I avoid it for as long as possible, until I eventually have to deal with it. By that time, it typically got ugly… Scenario 2: An issue transpires, and I decide to deal with it as soon as possible, months earlier than in scenario 1. The difference in the timeframe between these 2 scenarios is called “missed opportunity” or “discontentment”. Think about it…

Hint #5 – Put your pride in your pocket

We are often selfishly driven by our own needs and interests when we get into a conflict situation. In the process, we only get to focus on what we want, which ultimately leads to a win-lose situation. Ultimately, conflict resolution should be about finding an optimal solution, where we both “win”. Maybe today you gain more than I do, but the next time I gain more than you do. So, put your pride in your pocket when dealing with conflict and focus on the optimal solution.

Hint #6 – “Play the ball, not the man (or woman)”

This sports analogy hits home when we talk about conflict. We cannot allow ourselves to get personal when we try and manage conflict. Remember – It’s not about you; it’s about the issue, and the issue is typically bigger or more important than you and me. We have to stay impartial and approach the resolution to an issue objectively, because this is the only way we can resolve an issue fairly and with dignity.  

Hint #7 – Be reasonable, or don’t be

The epitome of unreasonability is when two people decide to get divorced and face continued conflict, until everything has been settled. Why am I using this extreme example? Well, I guess to drive the point home. During conflict, we often get so obsessed with something due to our emotions that run away with us, that we become unreasonable. So, if the other party is telling you in such a situation that you are being unreasonable, sense-check your demands with the wisest, impartial person that you know to be fair to the process and the other person.  

Hint #8 – Start small and practice this skill as much as possible

We are not born “super-proficient conflict managers”. It is a skill that we need to acquire and, like any other soft skill, you only get better at conflict management if you practice it intentionally. Even if we see the smallest opportunity, like potentially engaging with a disgruntled employee at work, we should use these small opportunities to hone our conflict management skills. Getting out of your comfort zone by doing this will not only increase your confidence in handling conflict, but it will make you “conflict management fit”, which will be to your great advantage when you get to the big conflict situations that you have to face in your life.   

Hint #9 – Trust that the other person does not have bad intentions

As ex-marriage relationships go, the irritation levels between exes are sometimes higher than in other relationships. At some point, when my ex-wife really irritated me, my wife gave me this sound advice: “Would your irritation levels not drop if you were to assume that your ex does not have bad intentions?” This gave me a different perspective, and I came to realise that a lot of my irritation during our interactions was a result of my preconceived, incorrect ideas about her intentions. The person in your conflict scenario might be someone different, but the principle might still apply… 

Hint #10 – Be the least now to ultimately be the most

Whenever I try and give my sons sound advice about life, their studies or future careers, I always tell them to “play the long game”. I believe the same applies to conflict management. For the sake of the bigger picture, we sometimes need to concede more now to gain more later, even if conceding or agreeing on something now will buy goodwill with the other party to count in your favour at a later stage. Don’t let the pitfall of wanting instant gratification prevent you from getting the ultimate prize, especially when conflict is about something important or material in your life.

Hint #11 – Double-check your facts first

Research suggests that assumptions, often unstated and unexamined, are a significant driver of conflict in various contexts, including interpersonal relationships and organisational settings. If we are not certain of our facts, then we might have to run away with our tail between our legs in a conflict situation, which would not only be embarrassing, but could result in miscommunication, wasted time, and damaged relationships. 

Hint #12 – “For what I am about to say or do, will I be proud of it afterward?”

During conflict, I would submit that the worst situation would be when we do or say something that, upon reflection, would make us realise that we disappointed the one person we can never afford to disappoint – ourselves. Again, giving yourself a moment or two to pause and place yourself in the best position to avoid disappointment makes absolute sense. Otherwise, it’s like telling your boss where to shove his job, thinking you are making the best speech ever in your life… that you would then regret forever. Remember: pause, before you engage.

Hint #13 – If you don’t entertain conflict, there won’t be conflict

The reality is that we are not children anymore who meet after school to give each other a hiding using our fists. We are adults and should act like one – at work and outside of our careers. If we always make the conscious decision to maintain the emotional high road and always raise the proverbial white flag as a point of departure, then there cannot ever be conflict. If Mary walks into your office, slamming her hands on the desk and raising her voice to engage in conflict, and you decide to stay calm and offer her a seat and to make her a cup of coffee in response, then you are taking charge in addressing the conflict situation effectively.

Hint #14 – “Whatever it takes”, don’t cause permanent damage to relationships

Relationships are the superglue that holds everything together in life… Whatever you say or do in a conflict situation, don’t cause permanent damage to relationships. Thinking that it is acceptable to cause this kind of damage is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die…

In every conflict situation, we have three potential reactions – Fight, Flight or Face. Yes, sometimes we need to buy time to ensure that we are putting ourselves in the best possible place to handle the conflict, and then temporarily, we might decide to choose the Flight option. In doing so, we can, for example, say: “Now is not a good time; can we please have this conversation tomorrow morning at 08:00?” When we become “conflict management fit”, we will enable ourselves to handle conflict constructively and effectively to get to the best results for everyone. Then, we will never choose the ugly Fight option, but we will be successful when we Face the conflict. If we have reached this point in our lives, then we should be in a position where we agree with the following, seemingly counterintuitive statement, from the last great Roman emperor and stoic philosopher: 

“Conflict is an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.”

– Marcus Aurelius

I want to encourage you to rethink Conflict, and I wish you all the best and success in mastering conflict management.

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Hekkie van der Westhuizen, PhD